~ Admin Matters ~

The cremation was today. Thanks to all those who came to my mother's wake. I really appreciate the support you guys are giving me. I'll be fine and im gonna live my life well.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many admin matters to settle suddenly. Are we keeping the car? Right now only dad drives and he doesn drive to work. My sis is gonna take her test soon but before she passes dad is the only one who drives. But if we sell the car then my sis would pretty much have learnt driving for nothing.

Then we gotta decide when we gonna get our maid to leave. With my dad's income we cant keep her employed under us for long. It almost takes up 1/3 of my dad's monthly income to employ her. But she took such good care of my mother while she was alive, feel kind of bad that we make her change environment and all right after my mom's death. Feels very 过河拆桥 to me.

Rah then have to settle all the bank related stuff from mom's side. Includes phone lines...

Hai... very tiring.

Anyways, heres a picture of my family. Its one of my favourites, taken when I was still very young. I think its my birthday, but my sis says its hers. -_- Anyway here it is.

~Goodbye~

Mom, I love you but I guess this ending was inevitable. We all tried our best but if this is the way it has to be then please know that you will always exist in my heart and I will never forget the 22 years of unconditional love that you gave me.

Goodbye mom. I'll see you some 70 years later? Heh.

~ - ~

Mom is now very much like a child. She cant talk to us anymore just makes sounds that we dont understand. The simple act of breathing, for her has become a chore. Its like the only "chore" she can cope with right now. Its so painful to breathe so hard that she moans in pain when the morphine is not enough. Those are the only sounds I get to hear from her.

Its really heartbreaking to see her like this. My sister is stronger than me. I know shes bleeding inside as well but shes still taking care of Mom to the best of her ability. I'm trying my best as well but I cant hold it in as long as my sis.

It'll prolly happen in the next few days.

Everything just keeps reminding me of her right now. rawr.

~Things You Wont Know How To Answer~

One morning couple of weeks ago before i school started. I was at my mom's bed and she asked me:
"Boy, 为什么做了这么多,到最后还是没有用?"

how do you answer something like that?

Just now according to my sis, mom woke up for awhile(cos they stopped her morphine to give the antibiotic). And she kept asking questions like: where am i? why am i here? Faster pay them the money and go. like shes oblivious to her own condition.

how do you answer these kind of question?

dont know what to type already la. waoieanf egoiellgdn oiqlkadgn gklesd.,

"妈妈,我可以跟你换吗?"

~PHEW~

wah. just got back from hospital. mom developed pneumonia and fever within 1 day from coming home. the oxygen concentrator sucks man. I was really really scared just now. At least her condition is stabilized compared to just now. arg.

~ Memories? ~

Brought mom home back yesterday. We're trying to let her stay at home for as long as possible... Shes already on oxygen concentrator and all and shes very weak. In fact, I think she'll be going to the hospice in the next few days. Cos we're kinda worried about the fact that we have no medical knowledge to handle the medical complications that may occur. And according to my sis, mom is obviously weakening by the day. =\

Ironic part was that yesterday was dad's birthday. Still celebrated abit with some cake but the mood was just very bad. Must have been quite bad for him. Guess it kinda feels like my 21st bday last year for me, when my grandfather passed away.

Kept thinking alot these past few days. About how my Mom worked so hard to bring my sister and I up. Just when its almost time for us to take care of her instead, she has to leave. And leave in such a painful way. There still so many things that she must want to do and so many things that I wanna give to her. My first pay-check, my gf/wife?, my first child? but its just not gonna happen anymore.

Maybe all of this wont matter in a few years time. After its just 3 years from 2012 right? Maybe i'll see her in 3 years time. Haha.

I really dread the day when Mom turns to Memories...

~ Cake Anyone? ~

Hah. Interesting title? Lemme explain. Ever since secondary school, i've been learning and coming into contact with this thing called functional writing. Back then i thought it was just another useless section of the English subject that required only storage and regurgitation.

As the days went by I slowly found myself in more and more situations where the drafting of a formal letter was required. Like when I was doing my Admin jobs and had to send out emails to boss(es) and external people, and when Wei Bin kept asking me to help him out with replying to his customers from his family's bus business.

But of all the Formal Letters I had to write so far, the one I just wrote takes the cake. (and i imagine that it will keep the cake for a long time). I just drafted my Mom's will(or at least the part which concerns an insurance policy payout). Right? Takes the cake right? Its just one of those things you would never see yourself doing in a million years. LIFE is like drama.

~IWFYITD~

anyways "discovered" this song couple of months ago. its very wols to post it but kinda appropriate i guess. For those who are wondering why got ants near the beginning of the video, I guess its a reference to the surrealists. For them, ants were always used as a symbol for death. See if you can understand the MV better with that info(assuming you've seen it before)

Anyways, im fine so please do not worry about me. I will continue believing and hoping for the best, because I think if any miracles are gonna happen, i've gotta start first by believing. At most I'll just be dissapointed so theres nothing much to lose. heh. Hopefully I can juggle school well and I'll try to siam as many unimportant events in school as possible. Most prolly wont be going out over the weekends liao. Good la. Save money. Haha. So thats about it. The song is really stuck in my head nowadays... haha

~Rah.~

Today was another black black day. Mom got sent to the hospital early in the morning via ambulance cos she had difficulty in breathing. Dad went over with the ambulance and we went over awhile later.

When we reach the hospital, the doc asked if we knew her cancer had spread to other regions like the lungs. We were all "WTF?!" Past few days her leg swelling actually subsided quite abit. I thought it was a good sign... But it was just like with grandma that time... Eventually cancer spreads to many different parts of the body and you know thats very very close to the end already... I really dont know if I should be telling her... Shes still very much concious and alert. Even at this point, shes still asking me to bring coffee powder for my aunt at the family gathering and what not. Still thinking bout giving this to this person, passing that to that person. Hai...

So yea today, quite a fucked up day. Basically from my past experience with my grandma's case, i know i dont have much time left with my mom. Chances are high that she wont be coming back home from this hospital trip already. And, I just love her so much, i cant bear to see her go. Really feel like just throwing everything aside. What can be more important than my mother. RAH.

So to you guys reading this, REALLY. Treasure your loved ones and every moment you have to spend with them. Things really start to suck when you enter the final countdown.

Btw happy birthday singapore.

~SCHOOL~

oh yea school starting tml. Hai... Im so gonna miss the holidays. haha. But then again im looking forward to the stuff that i'll do in school. Hopefully can see some friends back from my foundation class. hmmm. Working during hols really makes time fly. 2 months just came and went like that. RAH and i still have things that i "planned" to do during my hols that are not done. hahaha. dammit.

Im having a four day work week kinda timetable again. This time my free day is on monday. But tuesdays are gonna be killer... 9.30 till 8.30 with a super early ½hr break and a one hour break at 5. Warrows... cant imagine how much i'll hate my tuesdays. rest of the week generally ends around 5... my earliest day is wednesday, which ends at 3.30 Dont understand my timetable for friday though. Basically it starts at 9.30 and ends at 5.30 and its one continuous chunk. No pockets in between.

Kinda reminds me of this


haha. Really lidat i'll K.O soon man.